An Experiment in Longing
Object permanence is the ability to understand that things, people, or situations continue to exist when they are not immediately visible to us.
Okay update on the Science! So, Lul Yeah is away on pleasure (for ~2 weeks!) and I love that for her. I want her to have an amazing time. She has been gone for 2 days now and I, an Alexithymic (link), Autistic with ADHD, am acutely aware of how deeply I care for this woman. As my most genuine self I love and care for her deeply. I also miss her. Another emotional experience into which I am leaning. My ADHD experience is the premium package and comes with object permanence challenges that apply to people. It has been a pain point in the past because paramours wanted to understand why I did not miss them. My mind has never been quiet enough, my nervous system calm enough, my Spirit rested enough to register feelings of missing someone. Honestly, partners were exhausting because I was masking around them and that brings its own set of built in anxieties. Which meant tremendous relief if they were gone even temporarily. (Read: I loved a LDR!) I welcomed the solitude because I was authentic there. The experiment was to open myself up to the awareness of someone’s absence, intentionally. To sit with how I thought I would feel with her so far away (I wrote her a love note for every day she’s away), to actually experience the distance (I look forward to every notification with her name on it), and to evaluate how the connection makes me feel without the constant rush of dopamine (she feels solid, safe, and loving). And I miss her tremendously. When she crosses my mind I smile and text her kisses. I anticipate her return with my heart full of excitement. I wish that I could feel her touch me or just be in her presence. I am patiently anticipating her return. Longing, yearning, embracing the honor of having someone to miss that also misses you. Since I am approaching this loving connection with authenticity as my baseline, I get to lean into all of the emotions I’ve spent my life swatting away. I am having the time of my life falling in love with this woman whilst falling in love with me. I have always been authentically me with Lul Yeah so I trust the energy between us. It is so peaceful in her presence, UNMASKED.
